[And, eventually--eventually--there's a heavy knock on Sera's door.
It's Sirius, of course. A little grey in the face, very tired, very drawn out. He's moving a bit more gingerly than he might otherwise, but still trying to throw himself around with his usual casual grace, and doing his best to keep up with that so no one asks.
Mostly he's just tired. But so is Sera, probably--or else she isn't, she's beyond it, staying up all the time. He's not really sure that he knows one way or another where she falls on that one.
When she opens the door to him, he gives her a smile anyways. Thin, but there.]
[She looks tired and harried and maybe a little worse for wear, but she's so used to it, she's so used to the complete exhaustion she feels all the time, that at this point, she almost never thinks about it.
She goes up to press a kiss against the corner of his mouth, easily.]
I love you, you know that, right?
[She holds up the sign, meaning she wrote it before he got there. She has a look on her face like she's worried, so after she's sure he's read it, she flips it - yes, her slate is double-sided.]
I don't mean that to start a heavy conversation. I just want to make sure you know. You don't have to feel it or say it back. Just. Know.
[The kiss isn't so surprising. Certainly it isn't unwelcome. Reading the words I love you written out, bold as you please--that's a little something else. Working out feelings, especially with specificity, that's not easy for Sirius. It ought to be by now, perhaps--especially where Sera is concerned. But it isn't.
He reads the slate, following along easily--and, uncertainly, glances at her face, as if something more might be written there.]
[She looks away a little, because she's embarrassed that this happened - not these words, but that she hurt Lucifer, that she can't find anymore forgiveness in her heart for Castiel or Dean, that her soul was up for grabs and she-
It's embarrassing.]
Because I don't want anyone I love to ever have to wonder. I mean maybe you don't care but it's important to me.
[Because Castiel hurt her so badly that she doesn't know anymore, because Lucifer only loves her to use her, because she feels like she's going crazy.]
Because people who like you don't like me and I don't want them to make you think that I don't.
[--He says, quickly--rather too quickly, maybe, but he resents the implication. Likewise he resents the second implication--and to make up for the first part, his tone takes on some impatience, as he glances away.]
And I don't let anyone do my thinking for me, thanks. Anyone can say anything they like. I make my own decisions. I've never been awful to you. Not 'cos of anything anyone said to me.
[Just for other reasons. Selfishness, maybe. Stupidity. Because she'd lied. But not because of what other people said. That's not him.]
[She looks more frustrated, then, and maybe she is too tired for
this, but she tries to smooth it over-]
I didn't mean-
I know, I'm sorry, I just wanted to make sure you knew.
[The tears start to tumble but she moves away, to her nest, messier
than usual, turned more gray than white. She rubs her eyes and sits, curls
up. Her bottom lip quivers but she's not looking at him, she's embarrassed,
stressed, overwhelmed.]
bad things have happened, that's all, I just wanted you to know that I
love you. That's all.
[Merlin. It's not exactly guilt that he feels, it's-- something. He hasn't got a word for it. Frustrated, Sirius rubs the side of his hand against his forehead, right at the arch of thumb and wrist.
Merlin.]
I know.
[Gruff, and quiet. He doesn't look at her.]
I do know. All right? [And this is difficult to say, but:] I'm sorry.
[There's a great deal here that he doesn't quite understand, a great deal that he feels as if he's missing. Like looking at a quarter of a jigsaw puzzle, and still trying to guess at its pattern.
He stares at her for a moment. And then he gives up trying to think very hard about it, and crosses the small space to her, to put his arms around her as she's asking, silently.]
[She's tucked in quite close to him, close enough that he can't see her expression, and she can't see his, either. Not that he's particularly expressive in the moment, even with her on his lap.]
Yeah. 'Course you can.
[And that's not even in defiance to what everyone else might suggest--people who like you don't like me--honestly, he's not even thinking of that, in this moment. He's not thinking of much at all. He settles his arms around Sera, pulling her that much closer.]
[She's thinking about it all the time. It's crazy, she knows, to sleep with him every time that Sally is mean to her, it's crazy to pretend like this is a contest, as if he likes one of them better (Sally she knows the answer so she won't ask, it has to be, no one likes her best, and why would they?), as if it changes something.
But right now she can curl up and try not to think about what she did to Lucifer, about how her Voice is changing, about how she should, she will just-
She really needs Sirius to know she loves him.
So she holds his wrist in both hands and closes her eyes.]
After things get better, I'll make you a cake. We can go to the gardens. I'll write you a puzzle. We'll do something fun.
[He nods, at all of that--a list that he feels squeezed out against his skin, brief little pressures of her hand. It's a little amazing how quickly that's come to be something real to him--nothing random, but everything with meaning. Then again, he's always been capable of learning quickly, with proper incentive.]
You don't have to.
[Quiet. He twists to press a kiss somewhere toward the top of her head, a little near to her forehead. Quiet in that, too.]
All of that sounds brilliant. But you don't have to. I know.
[He smiles at that, just a little, and ducks to press another kiss to the top of her head once more.]
Then, yeah. As long as it's not for any real reason. Just because.
[He shifts one hand up, a quick push through her hair, a light little pressure at the back of her head--his thumb, rubbing gently at her scalp, at the edge of her hairline. Gentle, soothing--unconsciously a little the way you'd soothe a dog. Not that he thinks of her as a dog, obviously, just because that's the kind of affection he knows pretty well.]
She holds onto his hand and soon her breathing becomes a bit more measured, longer, and finally she's asleep, curled up against him. Please don't go anywhere, Sirius.]
[But he isn't going anywhere. Even once she's asleep, he stays, where normally he might think of slipping away. Not this time. Something makes him linger, listening to the sound of her breathing.
There's something weird about this, that he can't place. Not a misgiving. He tries to shut his eyes and match his breath to hers, to fall asleep, too, but for once, it takes him longer.]
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You'll come over?
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just wait
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It's Sirius, of course. A little grey in the face, very tired, very drawn out. He's moving a bit more gingerly than he might otherwise, but still trying to throw himself around with his usual casual grace, and doing his best to keep up with that so no one asks.
Mostly he's just tired. But so is Sera, probably--or else she isn't, she's beyond it, staying up all the time. He's not really sure that he knows one way or another where she falls on that one.
When she opens the door to him, he gives her a smile anyways. Thin, but there.]
Hiya. Here you are.
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She goes up to press a kiss against the corner of his mouth, easily.]
I love you, you know that, right?
[She holds up the sign, meaning she wrote it before he got there. She has a look on her face like she's worried, so after she's sure he's read it, she flips it - yes, her slate is double-sided.]
I don't mean that to start a heavy conversation. I just want to make sure you know. You don't have to feel it or say it back. Just. Know.
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He reads the slate, following along easily--and, uncertainly, glances at her face, as if something more might be written there.]
I know.
[Not saying anything else about it.]
Why are you saying this now?
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It's embarrassing.]
Because I don't want anyone I love to ever have to wonder. I mean maybe you don't care but it's important to me.
[Because Castiel hurt her so badly that she doesn't know anymore, because Lucifer only loves her to use her, because she feels like she's going crazy.]
Because people who like you don't like me and I don't want them to make you think that I don't.
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[--He says, quickly--rather too quickly, maybe, but he resents the implication. Likewise he resents the second implication--and to make up for the first part, his tone takes on some impatience, as he glances away.]
And I don't let anyone do my thinking for me, thanks. Anyone can say anything they like. I make my own decisions. I've never been awful to you. Not 'cos of anything anyone said to me.
[Just for other reasons. Selfishness, maybe. Stupidity. Because she'd lied. But not because of what other people said. That's not him.]
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[She looks more frustrated, then, and maybe she is too tired for this, but she tries to smooth it over-]
I didn't mean-
I know, I'm sorry, I just wanted to make sure you knew.
[The tears start to tumble but she moves away, to her nest, messier than usual, turned more gray than white. She rubs her eyes and sits, curls up. Her bottom lip quivers but she's not looking at him, she's embarrassed, stressed, overwhelmed.]
bad things have happened, that's all, I just wanted you to know that I love you. That's all.
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Merlin.]
I know.
[Gruff, and quiet. He doesn't look at her.]
I do know. All right? [And this is difficult to say, but:] I'm sorry.
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This is more complicated than he knows.
The fact is she's pretty sure she won't live through more than one more Jump. Something is happening inside of her head that's making-
She doesn't want to think about it, so she cuts off that line of thought. Instead she keeps reaching for him.]
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He stares at her for a moment. And then he gives up trying to think very hard about it, and crosses the small space to her, to put his arms around her as she's asking, silently.]
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Can I sleep? Can I sleep with you here like this?
[Maybe that's the only rational thing she's said yet.]
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Yeah. 'Course you can.
[And that's not even in defiance to what everyone else might suggest--people who like you don't like me--honestly, he's not even thinking of that, in this moment. He's not thinking of much at all. He settles his arms around Sera, pulling her that much closer.]
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But right now she can curl up and try not to think about what she did to Lucifer, about how her Voice is changing, about how she should, she will just-
She really needs Sirius to know she loves him.
So she holds his wrist in both hands and closes her eyes.]
After things get better, I'll make you a cake. We can go to the gardens. I'll write you a puzzle. We'll do something fun.
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You don't have to.
[Quiet. He twists to press a kiss somewhere toward the top of her head, a little near to her forehead. Quiet in that, too.]
All of that sounds brilliant. But you don't have to. I know.
[That she means it. That she loves him.]
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She's so afraid, and he can't fix it, no one can fix it. Castiel abandoned her, Lucifer-
Well.
So she just curls up against him, her hands still moving.]
It's not for any reason. Just because. When things get better.
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Then, yeah. As long as it's not for any real reason. Just because.
[He shifts one hand up, a quick push through her hair, a light little pressure at the back of her head--his thumb, rubbing gently at her scalp, at the edge of her hairline. Gentle, soothing--unconsciously a little the way you'd soothe a dog. Not that he thinks of her as a dog, obviously, just because that's the kind of affection he knows pretty well.]
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She holds onto his hand and soon her breathing becomes a bit more measured, longer, and finally she's asleep, curled up against him. Please don't go anywhere, Sirius.]
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There's something weird about this, that he can't place. Not a misgiving. He tries to shut his eyes and match his breath to hers, to fall asleep, too, but for once, it takes him longer.]