[ It'd sound petty if it didn't sound so familiar. Fitz starts typing a reply twice before deleting both attempts, stares intently at his comm as he sinks further into the chair he's sitting in at a desk in engineering.
He wants to believe Severus. Wants to believe this sort of thing couldn't possibly happen twice. And maybe that's it, that having enough faith will somehow erase what's already done.
Because denial's worked so well for him in the past.
There's a solid ten minutes of silence, then: ]
I hate this
[ Which is actually more of an immature, frustrated response than a miserable one, but it's on the same scale. ]
[The delay is long enough that Sirius is more or less considering the conversation over--not concluded in any meaningful way, but still over. When he gets the next message, he smiles, briefly, more grim and sad than properly amused. Sorry, bro.]
which bit
[There's a brief delay from his end as well, before--]
look its not actually got anything to do with you yeah not the same as your mate who turned traitor snape was never anyones friend
and thanks to Snape too for revealing that little bit of information. It's not some cowardice that makes him reluctant to think about prison. Azkaban. It's more like that it's unthinkable, no matter how true he knows it will someday be. Azkaban, for betraying James and Lily, and Remus left alone, and James, dead, and Peter--
Merlin.
The delay isn't very long. It only feels like a long time.]
yeah thats what ive been told break out on my own go running about the country as [a dog and a] convicted felon then go into hiding a future as bright as everyone elses
The delay's fairly long, on his end. Guilt settles, heavy and gnawing rather than as a quick stab, and he reads the message over twice even as he regrets asking. ]
Sorry. Again.
Sometimes I think maybe going home's what we've got to watch out for, not this ship. Which is incredibly depressing.
[ It's a pale attempt at dark humor, calling himself out on his own miserable observation, and after another short pause: ]
I'm glad you're here. If it's keeping you from that, anyway. Not for anything else.
[ As in he's sure Sirius has plenty of things he misses back home, but. Elaboration, whatever. ]
[His first instinct is a quick flash of anger--one that he knows is misdirected, one that he knows Fitz doesn't deserve. It's a stupid sentiment, but it's generally nice. That's half of what pisses him off. Because what the hell good does nice do, and what the hell good is he here if James is there. Because it's not Azkaban that makes his blood go cold when he thinks of the future. It's not even the Dark Lord. It's James Potter, dead. Fuck being here. Fuck being safe. If he had to go to Azkaban for life, just to ensure that James lived, he'd do it without question, without a second bloody thought.
And maybe if this wasn't text, he'd have a difficult time of biting all of that back. Quick temper means snapping back without thinking, an answer bitten out before the sentiment of what Fitz is trying to say--depressing, dark humoured, as much about his situation as it is about Sirius'--really occurs to him.
But it's text, so even as he's stabbing out his reply, he stops halfway in, and deletes.]
if thats the case then they ought to let US start choosing who gets to be here with us cos this random lottery is s h i t
[Which is, sort of, a way of saying, can we trade out Sniv for James without actually saying it. Not that he'd have a problem with saying it, but the less he writes out James' name, the better.
[ No disagreement, there. Fitz thinks for a moment that he's made a mistake, given the delay, and even after he finally gets a response he doesn't doubt he's made one — assumed too much, projected too much, whatever. He doesn't know Sirius well; assumptions are inevitable. Maybe he'd be better off keeping it to himself.
He's in the process of mulling over an apology, or an acceptable way to backpedal, but it's interrupted by that succinct follow-up. ]
I'm not crying
[ Maybe a bit. The answer's not defensive, though; if anything, he's humoring the accusation. ]
And I'm done with the questions.
[ Not an apology. More of a promise — no more prying. ]
well good cos id be obligated to come and punch you if you were crying contractually obligated
[Which is something he would say to a friend so, congratulations, Fitz, you have moved up in the world. And now here resumes the defense mechanism of aggressively not discussing too much and just moving on--]
& youre a liar there will be more questions i know im so incredibly interesting you wont be able to resist ive resigned myself
In my defense it's more the wizard thing that's interesting So you're replaceable with any wizard, really. Remus seems about 99% more tolerable. Maybe I'll just start speaking to him instead.
just you wait youve not been subjected to the Patient Remus Lupin Smile hes very subtly intolerable i dont know how he manages it just when you think hes all right hes actually being an arshole but he smiles whilst doing it & probably calls you by your first name
leoooooooooo leooooopoooooold lenardooooooooooooo
im not fussed youll come crawling back to me old fitz
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He wants to believe Severus. Wants to believe this sort of thing couldn't possibly happen twice. And maybe that's it, that having enough faith will somehow erase what's already done.
Because denial's worked so well for him in the past.
There's a solid ten minutes of silence, then: ]
I hate this
[ Which is actually more of an immature, frustrated response than a miserable one, but it's on the same scale. ]
no subject
which bit
[There's a brief delay from his end as well, before--]
look its not actually got anything to do with you yeah
not the same as your mate who turned traitor
snape was never anyones friend
no subject
Yeah.
[ Except he'd trusted him, he thinks. Would've trusted him if something happened on the ship. Fitz still isn't sure if that's a stupid mistake.
So instead of dwelling, let's awkwardly put the focus back on Sirius, ok??? ok ]
Do you get out? Of prison
no subject
and thanks to Snape too for revealing that little bit of information. It's not some cowardice that makes him reluctant to think about prison. Azkaban. It's more like that it's unthinkable, no matter how true he knows it will someday be. Azkaban, for betraying James and Lily, and Remus left alone, and James, dead, and Peter--
Merlin.
The delay isn't very long. It only feels like a long time.]
yeah thats what ive been told
break out on my own
go running about the country as [a dog and a] convicted felon
then go into hiding
a future as bright as everyone elses
no subject
The delay's fairly long, on his end. Guilt settles, heavy and gnawing rather than as a quick stab, and he reads the message over twice even as he regrets asking. ]
Sorry. Again.
Sometimes I think maybe going home's what we've got to watch out for, not this ship. Which is incredibly depressing.
[ It's a pale attempt at dark humor, calling himself out on his own miserable observation, and after another short pause: ]
I'm glad you're here. If it's keeping you from that, anyway. Not for anything else.
[ As in he's sure Sirius has plenty of things he misses back home, but. Elaboration, whatever. ]
no subject
And maybe if this wasn't text, he'd have a difficult time of biting all of that back. Quick temper means snapping back without thinking, an answer bitten out before the sentiment of what Fitz is trying to say--depressing, dark humoured, as much about his situation as it is about Sirius'--really occurs to him.
But it's text, so even as he's stabbing out his reply, he stops halfway in, and deletes.]
if thats the case then they ought to let US start choosing who gets to be here with us
cos this random lottery is s h i t
[Which is, sort of, a way of saying, can we trade out Sniv for James without actually saying it. Not that he'd have a problem with saying it, but the less he writes out James' name, the better.
Also:]
thanks
you girl
now stop crying
no subject
He's in the process of mulling over an apology, or an acceptable way to backpedal, but it's interrupted by that succinct follow-up. ]
I'm not crying
[ Maybe a bit. The answer's not defensive, though; if anything, he's humoring the accusation. ]
And I'm done with the questions.
[ Not an apology. More of a promise — no more prying. ]
no subject
cos id be obligated to come
and punch you if you were crying
contractually obligated
[Which is something he would say to a friend so, congratulations, Fitz, you have moved up in the world. And now here resumes the defense mechanism of aggressively not discussing too much and just moving on--]
& youre a liar
there will be more questions
i know im so incredibly interesting you wont be able to resist
ive resigned myself
no subject
In my defense it's more the wizard thing that's interesting
So you're replaceable with any wizard, really. Remus seems about 99% more tolerable. Maybe I'll just start speaking to him instead.
no subject
seems tolerable
just you wait
youve not been subjected to the Patient Remus Lupin Smile
hes very subtly intolerable i dont know how he manages it
just when you think hes all right hes actually being an arshole
but he smiles whilst doing it & probably calls you by your first name
leoooooooooo
leooooopoooooold
lenardooooooooooooo
im not fussed youll come crawling back to me old fitz
no subject
[ That's all. ]
no subject
leonardo
no subject